Thursday, January 3, 2002
the downside to artgirls
I had the best day with a couple of artgirls from the Belle Papier list (among other lists I'm on).
Jill is of Wee Lad Studios (and of course I can't find the site to save my life right now -- it's in my bookmarks on the old Mac back in CA, dammit.) and is just amazing. And Robyn, who came in later, is upbeat and fun and just as amazing. They hauled out altered books and artist's journals and all this great collage work -- and I had pretty much bupkiss to show, since all my stuff's still in CA. I felt really stupid showing just my little sketchy journal, but they oohed and ahed and I didn't feel so stupid anymore.
Anyway, I love creative friends. I'm all pumped up about doing something artsy now.
But there's a downside:
They have Stuff and I -want- all of it. :) They're making glass tiles with soldering stuff and glass and collage sandwiched between that will make your head spin. (need: gun, flux, glass, glasscutter, collage stuff, metal taping stuff...) And the postcards they made were gorgeous, too. (need: golden's matte medium, golden's modeling paste, acrylic paint, contact paper, many photocopies, ephemera, watercolor paper...) And the exposed spine books from Artfest last year...amazing. (need: books to alter, papers, linen thread, beads, old keys, eyelets and an eyelet tool, charms, and all of the above.)
I could go broke having art friends. Really. (not that I have far to go).
But man, was it all inspiring.
Posted by beth @ 05:43 PM PST [Link]
Wednesday, January 2, 2002
resolved ii
So I'm coming up with some new year's resolutions (a day late, which seems to be par for the course lately), and someone on one of my artgirl lists sent this great list that I'm going to adopt. I'm putting it in my journal now, in fact. (See the "more" link for her contribution.)
My own resolutions/goals were more mundane than this, though the spirit's the same:
1. Continue IQ through the end of 2002, then decide.
(I've been trying to decide whether to continue, or change it.)
2. Learn how to ask for -- and GET -- what I want in all aspects of my life in a direct, nonconfrontational manner.
3. Journal regularly. (I have to throw one in there that I'm sure to do.)
4. Create something every. single. day. Even if that's just a simple little line drawing in my journal pages. Keeping the flow going is the point here.
5. To foster and encourage new and creative friendships and maintain the old ones.
6. Nurture organization in my life. God knows I need it. One would think, since all my crap is back in CA, I'd be organized. And I suppose, to an extent, I am. But not like I want to be. :)
7. Find a career instead of a job.
8. Maintain physical activity. Think "health" instead of "chocolate". :)
I'm still working on some more. Any suggestions?
Posted by beth @ 09:43 AM PST [Link]
Tuesday, January 1, 2002
lonely
If I sit very still and quiet, I can feel the loneliness in my chest like a claw-toed bird, fluttering and scratching and threatening to break free. I listen to music, I write email, I make stuff, but the bird doesn't go away. I read and escape for a few seconds before it comes back again.
It feels like I want to cry or scream, but neither one would do me the least bit of good, so I'm quiet and sublimate it all into a headache that just keeps reminding me I'm alone.
Part of me wants to hop a bus back to California. At least when I was scared and unhappy, I wasn't thinking about this damn bird. I had the dog to distract me, or H would be erratically normal and we'd have fun.
I forget sometimes I'm still in mourning for that whole life. I don't think about it most of the time, so I forget. I idealize it, turning it into this grand ol' time, forgetting that we were no good for each other -- that life, that place, and me.
But at least I knew what to expect day to day. I knew where the post office was, how to get to the grocery store; I had transportation and security and a safety net.
There's a certain feeling of freedom in being independent. And there's a big fat lot of uncertainty and fear.
Nothing's wrong here. I should be fine on my own. Things are good with Ben and I'm making friends. I'll apply for a new job. No problem. But I still compare: is this fear and loneliness, this bird that hangs around like a shadow...is this really worth the good parts? Most of the time, I'd say yes. But when the bird has a hold, I just want to run away, run backwards, change time.
It's too late to go back. It's been too late since I made the decision to go, to try to be happy. I don't think I'd want to even if I could.
Is this what regret feels like? Because I don't like it at all.
I want to go home, but I don't have one.
Posted by beth @ 07:43 PM PST [Link]
happy freakin' 2002
And my day gets progressively better as I start looking for a new job.
Long story.
I'm a Puritan.
However, there's an editor position at a small local paper not far from here that looks good. A couple of training positions. Call center coordinator. All of them pay more than what I was doing and havemore of a commute. All of them are a little more prestige-filled than being an operator.
I guess I'm 30...it's about time to start thinking about careers, right? Before I'm too old?
My 2002 is sucking ass. And yours?
---e
Posted by beth @ 01:14 PM PST [Link]
perpetually late
Y'know...a while back, I sold off a lot of the stuff I brought with me from CA. In fact, I brought it all for that purpose, since I really had no cash, and was having just a moment or two of sheer panic there. (still do...but I'll get into that.)
Even though I stated it pretty clearly on the website that I put up, people still wanted to send me checks. I've got an out-of-state bank account. BofA took, sometimes, up to 14 days to clear checks -- by which time I was working erratic hours and the holidays were upon us.
Add to that that I really don't know where there's a post office around here. I mean, I do -now-, I think. I think I found the Ballard PO last night and I saw a PO in Capitol Hill, and I found those just recently. And I was working insane hours the last two weeks. AND the box o' packages weighs something like two /hundred/ pounds. (Some of the boxes are books.)
So I'm cheezed to discover that people are writing hate mail about me now for being slow. I mean, sure, I'm slow. But of course, when one person flames on a public list, then -everybody- gets pissed. I'm late. Either wait patiently or fuck off. I'm stressed enough about it. (Literally, I get sick looking at the stuff that needs to go out and I was planning on taking it on Wednesday, anyway, since Ben let me use his car and there's no WAy I can lug this on the bus. Just no way.)
Essentially, the women on this list (especially the ones who don't know me), are implying that I'm a criminal because I didn't send their fucking unmounted rubber stamps that I sold at a loss (the average order was LESS than $5) in a timely manner. Jeezus people. Get over it. They're coming. I should have sent 'em sooner, yes, but the holidays and work kept me stranded. I'm sorry. Now go on with your life and stop bothering me.
Ugh. I hate it when people get fixated on stupid shit.
(just like I am with this obsessive bitching about being bitched at. Ahem.)
----e
Posted by beth @ 09:47 AM PST [Link]
Monday, December 31, 2001
spamspamspam
Ben got the most hilarious, melodramatic, full-of-sh*t piece of spam I've ever seen the other day.
I just couldn't resist propogating it. Someone really needs to start a spam museum.
(see more for my commentary.)
Posted by beth @ 07:03 PM PST [Link]
clean macheeeeene
The clean machine is now ON.
This is the kind of progression that just absolutely scares me when it gets started, I have to say. I just washed the bathroom floor by hand. As in, on my hands and knees. I had this thought that I didn't want to start the new year with a dirty house. Bad feng shui and all that.
So on goes the whirlwind o' windex, and an hour later, I'm finding myself sitting at the computer desk, making a list of all the things I could, feasibly, get done by midnight. It's either the xenadrine, or a sincere desire to start of 2002 in a completely different mindset than I did 2001.
Did I mention I'm up for a new job? Account exec with the local paper (well, one of them, even though they share a building. Or maybe both. I didn't get that in-depth.). I'd be selling ad space, servicing advertisers, and essentially kissing ass for money. But hey...it comes with benefits and more status than my last job. And it's right on the route of the 70 -- the most frequent bus to pass by here, which is convenient. About five minutes from here on a Good Traffic Day. Wish me luck.
I'll need new clothes. Yikes.
I bet Ben's skiing right now. I hope he gets lots of pictures. One of these days I need to learn how to ski. As a Nebraskan, though, I have this sort of natural resistance to being out in the snow on purpose. We spend six months or so of the year in the stuff, and it kind of makes one jaded. It's been a long time since I've seen snow, though. It'd be nice.
------e
midwestern girl
at heart.
still.
Posted by beth @ 12:07 PM PST [Link]
Sunday, December 30, 2001
argh - squared
I just got a polite, businesslike letter from Suite101 -- where I've been editing the Artistamps topic for quite some time now, over a year, I think -- that says that as of this month, they're no longer going to pay editors at all.
It's not like they were paying a fortune -now-. But still...
The web economy is pretty much officially belly-up. Not that this is news to a lot of tech folk. But jeez. For a writer, there used to be tons of opportunities to write and get paid, even the crappy writers. Now, I don't think anyone's getting paid anymore. About.com folks, maybe. Well, the ones that are left, that is.
It's just kinda sad. End of an era, that kind of thing.
Maybe I'll move all the artistamp stuff over here, so it's not lost for good. And I can have my own layout, woooo.
---------e
Posted by beth @ 05:30 PM PST [Link]
argh. sigh.
Ben's gone until Friday.
I'm already lonely.
I really need a dog.
So I'm trying to think of this now as an Opportunity. I can get a bunch of art stuff done, hopefully get that job at the _Times_ that I want so badly, maybe explore some more of the city, and get a few books made and a few read. Maybe finally answer all that damn email that keeps sitting here in my inbox, blinking at me blankly, wondering why I'm not answering it.
I could clean up a little, maybe. Do all the little things that I've been wanting to do but haven't ever done yet because I've been lazy and busy. Do all the laundry, put away the clean dishes, make a bunch of meals in advance or something. (No Martha references, please. It's totally lowbrow. :>)
I could take hours to write long letters to friends or alter a bunch of postcards, or go up to Twice Sold Tales and pick up a cheap hardcover to make a new altered book. (Anyone here in town got a scanner I could use, if I do? I'm scanner-less and it's driving me crazy.)
Or I guess I could run around and sample the festivities for New Year's Eve. There's some kind of good vs. evil parade going on over by SCCC tomorrow night around ten. Sounded kind of interesting, I guess.
Most likely, I'll curl up with a blanket and my journal and whine a whole lot about being alone on New Year's Eve (and subsequent days), and smell his pillow and cry. (I'm a drama queen, remember?) Or make lists of all the things I could be doing.
Maybe I should go climb a mountain or something instead. Get my mind off it.
Any ideas? Leave me a comment.
----e
Posted by beth @ 05:26 PM PST [Link]
