Thursday, October 3, 2002
I'm having a lot of doubts, after rereading
my itinerary. There are quite a few days in there that I've got 30+ and 40+ mile days, and even a few that are 50-60+ miles. (Okay, only one. But ugh!)
Add that to the fact that I've never camped alone, and have, really, slept outside exactly TWICE in my lifetime, and there we have it: recipe for stress.
Plus, I feel like I'll never get all this stuff here done. I'm an adult, I have to try to finish up my business before I go, since once I leave, I know I can't ever come home again. There is no more US when I come back for my stuff -- there is only Ben and Me, and a bunch of relics from a life two months gone.
And I'm doubting I can even make it the two months down. There are people rooting for me, which helps, and another few who are watching and salivating, waiting to watch me fail.
If I break during this, am I broken? Or is it reconstructive -- the clean slate, forcibly given?
I guess all that remains to be seen.
----e
scared, at 3 a.m.
Posted by beth @ 03:21 AM PST [Link]
Wednesday, October 2, 2002
More than anything,
I wish I could just wake up one day and be beautiful.
Not that ambiguous, in the right light and wearing the right outfit kind of beautiful -- but really, truly, without any effort here you are beautiful.
And I swear to gawd the first person who says "but it's inner beauty that counts" is going to win a fat knuckle sandwich. It may be what counts in the long run, but being gorgeous can't hurt.
Sometimes, I just feel ugly, in all senses of that word.
---e
troll-girl.
Posted by beth @ 09:07 PM PST [Link]
Tuesday, October 1, 2002
I have SO much to do.
It's not even funny.
Just bought most of the gear I'm going to need for the ride, sans the actual staples and day to day stuff. I'd like to get a Camelback, too -- but I'm going to be cutting it close on funds as it is, and I'm trying to be smart about it all. We'll see.
I've got all this email to clear out. Orders to fill, a database to update. I've got three lectures and classes to write, two issues of the zine to get done, and I've got to go through all my stuff and get rid of what I can. I want to read these books on both the trail I'll be on, and the basic bike maintenance stuff. I really -need- to continue training, even if I get this cold that's threatening.
I need to call more than 300 stores and ask them how they liked IQ. See if I can drum up more orders while I still have free long distance.
To say that I'm scared to death and really, running on autopilot at this point....it's the understatement of the year. I'm more scared of loneliness, and really, being alone, than anything else in this world. And here I'm taking on 60 days of it, voluntarily.
I figure it'll either break me or eradicate the fear. One of the two. Right now, it's worth the try, and much less painful than a broken heart, which is my other option.
I just wish, more than anything, that he loved me back. It's a shame, it is.
----e
Posted by beth @ 05:20 PM PST [Link]
Monday, September 30, 2002
I'm anxious, and I don't know why.
Part of it, I'm sure, is that I got this book today on Bicycling the Pacific Coast, and the reality has set in that I'm going to be in a campground, alone, for potentially weeks on end, while I motor my butt steadily southward.
Part of this is a great big giant attempt to heal the broken heart that I feel looming on the horizon. But I'm scared of how I'm going to feel out there, pedalling and cracking and crying and knowing that I'm never really going to see him again.
And to think, I used to be scared of bears.
-----e
who thinks that bears
are the least of her
worries at this point.
Posted by beth @ 08:31 PM PST [Link]
futureshock
So it's Mexico, I think. Half of me is excited, half is scared to death. Most of me, encompassing both camps, is sad that it's an ending, and also happy that it's a door opening for me, too. I don't know if I can make it, or if, once the shock of realizing that there is no more Ben, ever, I may not want to make it.
If I can do it, I'm going to write about it.
If I can't...well, I'm not going to make a plan. Because really, there's no room for failure at this point. Misery, discomfort, pain...sure. Those uphills on the Oregon Coast are going to be like bi-wheeled death spirals. I'm going to be cold, tired, hungry, and probably in a whole lot of pain. I'll cry, be lonely, and probably scared. But I'm tough.
I need to-do lists, more capital, and to be able to focus on the mundane as well. Three upcoming lectures = a lot of work, so I need to do that ASAP.
And I need to get rid of my stuff as much as possible, too. Not just for money, but for practicality. Eeek.
A month from tomorrow, I'll be somewhere on the road to the border, ready or not.
----e
Posted by beth @ 01:25 PM PST [Link]
