Tuesday, June 25, 2002
a random disconnect
I rarely write entries over here anymore, unless I feel like I'm writing too much at the other site. I think I have this secret fear that if I write too often or too much, people will get sick of me.
Then again, I'm having one of those hormonally-induced bad-self-esteem days where I feel like I'm too fat and ugly for anyone to love me for real, too. I want to cling like hell to everything, and simultaneously chew its head off. It makes absolutely no sense, and I feel I must, for the record, mention again that I utterly despise PMS. Completely.
Tonight, Ben's in bed since he's got to get up insanely early to get new tires so that we can go on this road trip to California that neither of us really has time for. We'll really appreciate it once we unwind, and I know that at least I can use a good unwinding. I'm tighter than a busted spring right now. But I digress.
Ben's in bed and I'm alone in the dark (never a good combination) flipping through my email in a vague attempt to get everything done before we leave. I'm realizing that when I get busy, I get scattered. Not that this is news. But I'm seeing it, illustrated on the page.
I need to figure out (again) what's important, both to me and to the business. And I need to figure out what I like, and where I should put my energy. I spend more time answering email from people that I don't know and/or like than from the ones that I do. (Though that's changing -- I'm making concerted efforts there, but it's easy to slip into the answer-ones-you-don't-care-about-before-concentrating-on-"good mail" habit/routine.) I have interests that aren't being addressed because I'm cleaning up for projects I don't care about. I spend money on postage for things that I don't even want to deal with anymore, just so that people won't think I'm a flake. (People, incidentally, who probably don't want to deal with these things either.)
I wish I could be one of those people who writes long letters and long, descriptive journal entries (like my old ones), and who could actually take some time and read now and again. Who could keep things organized, finish projects they start, and actually succeed for a change instead of getting distracted.
In three days, I'm going to be 31. My twenties are -over-. I'm done with the age where you're supposed to experiment and I'm on to where I should be making myself stable. Instead, I'm too into the thick of things to see anything clearly. I need to re-assess, I think. Focus. Ditch what isn't working instead of my usual M.O. of ditching it all and starting from scratch. There are lots of fabulous things in my life.
I just need to appreciate them, give them the time they need, and be who I need to be.
I'm growing a life, after all.
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Posted by beth @ 12:04 AM PST [Link]
