Saturday, January 12, 2002
good lord make the hurting stop
Now I know why writers drink. (Well, okay, so I knew it before. Writer's block sucks, too. More than layout, I'd say.)
If I didn't need to be so clear-headded for this, I'd be hitting the bottle as we speak, in fact. I just laid out about half the zine, and I'm thinking two things: 1)this is much harder than I thought it was going to be and 2) I'm going to have to add more pages, which equates to the suck-ass thought of having more postage, and is due to the fact that I can't rearrange and add more linewidth and all that happy jazz with cut and paste over pagemaker.
Oh, and Ben told me last night, after everything was done and printed in Word, that his dad has Pagemaker. Someone kill me.
I need sugar. And nicotine. I'm thinking a break to take a trip down to the local market for soda and a bigass cookie may be in order. (I've got to be PMSing. This is just crazymaking, all these cravings. Gah!)
----e
who thinks she's either
going to give up zine
publishing or invest in
a typewriter or get really
fat again as a result of
layout stress. Sigh.
Posted by beth @ 08:08 PM PST [Link]
adhd anyone?
I wonder if I have add or something. I mean, I get great ideas and can't focus to do them. I wonder if it's more than just a discipline problem.
No, you're probably right.
And yes, this is another entry to distract from IQ. I'm going.
---e
Posted by beth @ 07:01 PM PST [Link]
pro-cras-tin-ate
So instead of macaroni and cheese, I ate leftover spinach salad with chili-lime dressing that I believe may have been on the verge of turning bad. (There's still hope if we send in the Boot Camp guy from Sally Jesse Raphael.)
And I noticed I have almost more email now than I did on New Year's Eve, when it took me a good six hours to answer it all. I should probably answer the occasional email rather than eating spinach salad.
AND, I note for the record, that I haven't done another thing on IQ layout. I'm staring at it, and thinking, "gee. I should work on that." and then I think, "gee. I should go outside and have a cigarette/go floss between my toes/go learn conversational italian/go read the rest of _Bird by Bird_/sit and stare into space."
There is ALWAYS something better to do when I've got layout to do. It's like I'm scared of having a finished product.
Ugh. That would suck. What an awful fear.
Yes, yes, I know. Stop procrastinating and go lay the damn thing out. I hear you.
----e
grumpy and
going to smoke
first, but then,
yes, going to lay
this damn thing out.
Posted by beth @ 06:59 PM PST [Link]
layoutlayoutlayout
I'm laying out this issue of IQ now. Sitting on the floor of Ben's apartment, glue stick and scissors in hand, chopping things up and rearranging them and wondering how I'm ever going to get this done. After all the sticking is done, I still have to draw the illustrations, which I'm already afraid of, since my fingers are cold and not really cooperating at the moment.
(/end panic)
Worse, I feel kind of wordy and creative tonight. I wrote like a woman posessed again this morning, and layout is actually -calling- me. (Usually I hate doing it, but I'm pretty good at it, so I don't mind, I just think it's not my -favorite- part of doing an artzine.)
Maybe I'll skip it for awhile and do some work on "Permission" (working title) for the lofi book trade. Carve some stamps. Make the postcard template for the people who need to re-subscribe to IQ to keep getting it after this issue. (I changed the standing masthead to reflect a higher price and a more sporadic publishing schedule. I think a lot of people are going to hate the new look -- less slick, more personal, more pages, though -- and won't resub. Then again, that means less work for me in the long run, so I guess that's okay. I just do it for fun, anyway. Oh, but I had all this parenthetically because I was going to mention that I didn't update the webpage when I had time, mainly because I was writing so much. That's a good thing. I'd rather have a finished zine than a current webpage, y'know?)
Someone tell me why I'm craving macaroni and cheese. My cravings are just plain weird.
-----e
who will inevitably write a freakin'
book tonight because she's got
too damn much energy. feel free
to comment about how I need 'ludes.
Posted by beth @ 06:31 PM PST [Link]
taw group
I just found out that there's an Artist's Way group forming that's starting on Monday. If I only had the time (and the book, since -- repeat after me -- it's in California....), I'd be there.
TAW really changed my perspective the first time around. I mean, I guess it didn't do as much as I'd hoped it would, but when I read the follow-up The Vein of Gold -- it did amazing things to the way I viewed creativity and art in general. It was the first time I thought of myself as an artist instead of just a struggling writer.
It's weird, too, and synchronous. I've been looking all over for a used copy of TVoG lately. I've had this real urge to re-read it, and haven't been able to find it used, and thus, haven't bought it. (I hate re-buying anything new when I've got my own nearly-new copy waiting for me two thousand miles away. Of course, that probably means it'd sell back to the used bookstore pretty easily if I just buckled down and bought it, but I'm cheap these days and it just breaks my heart to re-buy all this crap when I have other needs.) With all the horrid writer's/artist's block I've been having lately, I think re-reading the both of them might be helpful.
For those of you who are writers/artists -- do you know of any VoG groups? There's tons of TAW ones, I guess, but none on the VoG. (my personal favorite of the two.) And how do you deal with it when there just aren't any good ideas left in your head and you fumble around like a marmoset in the dark? It's making me nuts.
----e
still blocked,
but functioning.
Posted by beth @ 10:24 AM PST [Link]
the opposite of homesick
I -so- don't want to go home yet. But today's the day.
I got probably three-quarters of the zine written and printed. It's not my best work ever, but it's done, which makes me happy. I"ve got some pretty great fluffy stuff and some heavier articles, so I think it's a good mix.
*happy sigh of relief*
I'd love to have Word (and a printer, for that matter) at home, but since no paycheck was in the mail, it won't be happening any time soon.
So now, layout. Cram as much more writing time into the few hours left here as I can, and then start laying everything out. Quickly. Drawing hte illustrations, doing the little collage dealies.
Not that I have the stamps to mail 'em yet. But I've got photocopier access and the will to use it. So the better part of valor and all that.
I get so hyperfocused when there's something I really want done. The mountains are visible again outside (I'm starting to think that's normal, but B tells me that I've had good luck), over the city like guardians, sun playing on the peaks. Yesterday, I had to stop myself from doing somersaults in the grass, just because. (How long's it been since you did a somersault? And you want to, now, don't you?) I wanted to rip open my chest and somehow show how it felt to be -that- connected, -that- alive.
These extremes in mood come and go.
--------e
Posted by beth @ 09:17 AM PST [Link]
Thursday, January 10, 2002
writing prompt: hotel room
I joined a mailing list of daily writing prompts that the listowner got from somewhere. I'm trying to break through writer's block and do something productive, of course.
Today's prompt: You are in a hotel room.
Click "more" for the entry.
----e
Posted by beth @ 06:40 PM PST [Link]
missing windows (sadly)
After two days here in the land of Windows-based PCs, I have to say that I'm just drooling to get ahold of one in a more easily accessible location. I forgot how good it feels to knw that if the words just won't come, I can always upload webpages or do something in (*gasp!*) notepad or work in Word or...or...or....
I'm not anti-Linux. I'm just pro-knowing-what-the-hell-to-do-with-technology. And I don't know jack about what works with Linux.
I wrote like a madwoman posessed yesterday. More than half of IQ's articles are done, and I'm trying in vain to get more words pried out of this head again today, but they're not coming. I just need to relax, probably. Take a long shower, fold the rest of the laundry (which we did for freefreefreeeeee -- no quarters involved, so I've got ten bucks in coins. Woohoo!), and sit outside with a cigarette and a notebook until the block loosens somewhat. It's not as frustrating as it was the other day, but part of that is because I can always go downstairs and love-up the fluffy kitty and watch television if I need to get away. Plus, the view of the mountains comes and goes and just stops my heart every time I see it. Wowza.
I'm rambling, aren't I?
Jeez. Told you the words just won't come out. well, they will, I guess, but they're mostly incoherent when they do.
I'm signed up for the lofibooktrade this time around and I'm thinking about taking a break and writing something for that. Then again, if I could write, I wouldn't need a break. I don't even know what I'm going to do for that trade yet. The theme is "no staples", so I'm thinking about some stab-bound books about either made-up goddesses or extending my t-shirt retrospective (and putting a cloth t-shirt on the front of the books themselves) and using that. I just want to be profound instead of silly. I want to have something to say...and that's just not happening.
Thanks to everyone who responded, either in comments or privately, to the question about the memory log type thing. I'm going to do it, I think. I just need to download greymatter and re-upload it onto my server and get it working sometime soon. It's going to be relatively low-tech, I think. Since I don't have photoshop, I'm afraid it's going to look like a bastard stepchild, but we'll see. It's the words that count anyway, right? Ahem.
Okay. Enough whining. I'm going to write some fluff and maybe another journal entry or two, and try not to obsess over finding some good coffee. (The bus only gets out this way once an hour, can you believe it? And even then, it's a good mile or so to the nearest stop. Obviously, people out here in Bellevue don't need the bus.)
Wish me luck. I think I need it.
-----e
writer's blocked
and windows lusted.
Posted by beth @ 01:37 PM PST [Link]
Tuesday, January 8, 2002
new things
I'm thinking about trying some new things for 2002. Not really "resolutions", per se, but just a little more expansive-type-things. Pushes in the right directions, that kind of thing.
The thing is, I'm not very practical. I get all motivated in a certain direction, and then something will happen -- a new project or some kind of obstacle or a bout with depression -- and I never get back to things. I think I've started and stopped so many small things that I could have an entire museum, just of my UFOs. (Un-Finished Objects.)
But I'm trying not to get the whole "what's the point" attitude going on, or I'll never do -anything- and I'll end up depressed and lethargic, on the floor and whining madly for the next forty or fifty odd years I'm alive and existing.
All those unfinished things are practice, right? They're learning experiences. Experience, in general. Ahem. Think positive.
Anyway: I'm making a list of some articles for this IQ that I want to write this week. Since I don't have a word processing program that you don't need a freakin' degree in Unix to use, I'm writing by hand most of the time. But since I'll be in another location for the next couple days, one with Word installed, I'm trying to get focused so I can get IQ written. Have it out soon. It's so late.
All of this idea gathering taught me that I do one of two things while I'm writing: I either write nonfiction with a personal bent, or I write creative non-fiction/memoir type things. So in keeping with the spirit of that, I thought I'd maybe try and do a separate place here on the site (if I can figure out how to FTP and stuff with this machine, or get another cgi-script set up while I'm on a computer I understand), just for that creative non-fiction type stuff. Easily updatable. Do two or three a week, as groundcover for my creative garden. Like a first draft for something I haven't decided to do yet.
I really need to write more. And I need to use more of my time more wisely. AND I need to learn to balance it with time with those important people in my life that I want to spend time with.
Sounds like a tall order to me.
So -- would you be interested in reading that kind of thing? If I put it on-site and made it linkable, would you actually read it? Or would it sit there neglected and unloved? Let me know. I'd appreciate the feedback.
----e
still a little
squicky about that
whole roach thing,
below.
Posted by beth @ 12:22 PM PST [Link]
bionic roaches
Okay, this is just creepy.
Bionic Roaches?
Eeeeegh. The roach is a Borg. Resistance is futile, and all that crap.
----e
squicking, hard.
Posted by beth @ 12:03 PM PST [Link]
Monday, January 7, 2002
quotes and stuff
"Life is to be lived. If you have to support yourself, you
had bloody well better find some way that is going to
be interesting. And you don't do that by sitting around
wondering about yourself."--Katherine Hepburn
Leave it to Auntie Kathie to come up with something so practical and ... well... real. This, from the woman who said she'd never wear a skirt if she didn't have to. Kick -ass-.
So I got my dream job. Sort of.
I'll be coordinating regionally for an organization that's going to be doing women's body/mind/spirit type workshop weekends, and finding mentors for creative, underprivileged women.
How kick ass is -that-? How perfect. And it landed, quite literally, in my lap after a big Art Day with some girls here in town. I was riding the creative wave on my way home on the 71 bus, with a driver who was just damn -insane-, going three-hundred mph down the sidestreets and screeching to a halt at every other stop. I think some people got -off- the bus before their stops just to get away. (I loved it. Go figger. Got home in record time.)
Anyway, I had it decided. I was going to sell my -soul- for some soldering equipment. (Preliminary research puts initial costs at around $200 or so. 100 Watt soldering iron, copper taping, glass pieces, solder, flux, a vice, and collage stuff, as well as jewelry findings.) I was going to really build up an inventory and take the pieces to places in Nebraska that I know about, places in CA that I know and love, and a couple of artist's consignment places here in town. I -know- I could do well at that. I might even be able to do -really- well. I don't have $200, nor do I have soldering stuff, though, so I was prepared to start selling internal organs for it.
Actually, my thought was it's either this, or I'm buying a bottle of sleeping pills and I'll walk into the lake. This is because a) I'm not thinking clearly because of depression, and b) I'm highly melodramatic and no simple head-in-the-oven thing would work for me. Not theatrical enough.
I joke about it, but I'd pretty much decided. In fact, I decided about a hundred times a day that once this carton of cigarettes was gone, so was I. (Wouldn't want to waste cigarettes. They're a valuable commodity up here these days with that $1.42 per pack tax that they've imposed. Fuckers. Nonsmoking fuckers.) I thought, okay, if I don't get the stuff I need, I'm outta here. I'm tired of fighting.
Then I'd see some stupid silly thing that needed doing, or I'd get an email from someone that I need to answer, and I'd change my mind. And then I'd go through the whole excruciating decision process again.
It's really stupid. Really cyclical. Not a lick of sense. And it was still really real for me. Which sucked big ol' monkeys.
Anyway: So I come home knowing that this is what I should be doing for now. And BAM! In my inbox, this job proposition. I reeled a while, sat back and blinked, and told Ben about it. He thinks it's great. *I* think it's great. I still can't believe it. I'm nervous as hell that I'll mess it up, but hey...life's just a series of interconnected mistakes anyway, right?
Might as well make my mistakes interesting.
-----e
Posted by beth @ 11:10 AM PST [Link]
